The First Term: Fall ‘19
To summarize the first term I spent at Dartmouth fairly, I’m going to share some of the challenges I faced— both personal and professional. Many unique circumstances laid the foundation for a tale of great turbulence: (1) I was trained as a Hicks Pries lab technician over the summer, for the sake of spreading my initiation into the lab over three months as opposed to being struck by all of the new responsibilities associated with grad school in September. This, however, placed even greater expectations on me since I learned the in-and-outs of a lot of specialized equipment and software. (2) My dear advisor, CHP, welcomed a baby boy into her family at the end of July, commencing her maternity leave at the same time that our veteran lab tech, Owen Krol, was preparing for departure from our group to his new occupation, environmental consulting in central MA. Both of them were tremendous figures of guidance during the field season, so the loss of each at once created a dramatic feeling of being thrown in the deep end when the fall term began. (3) I was entrusted with the task of instructing a weekly introductory ecology lab section of 13 undergraduates beginning in mid-September. (4) I was enrolled in a graduate course called “Foundations of Ecology” and a mixed UG-Grad course called “Soils, Forests, and Food.” (5) This might be needless to say as a first year graduate student, but I had little to no savings. (6) Tragedy struck when I lost a friend from grade school to an accidental overdose in the middle of October.
My strength in time management that I had previously taken pride in was up for re-evaluation in a major way. While I juggled lesson prep, grading, reading, writing, lab upkeep, and miscellaneous troubleshooting I slipped back into a pitiful sleep schedule reminiscent of my time as an overworked undergraduate. There was no easy way for me to achieve the work-life balance that’s often dreamed about by members of the academic community on Twitter (see #AcademicChatter or #PhDChat). At first, I sacrificed personal time without many mental health consequences, but then I lost an old friend of mine which threw me into a state best described as mental absence. My day to day thoughts were crowded by anxiety and existential questions. I had just reunited with her when I visited at home over the summer. What could’ve prevented her unexpected fate? Were there signs of struggle that our friends and I had missed? I could hardly focus on my professional life and my creativity and academic curiosities took a sharp hit. I was consoled by some colleagues and trusted friends, but I couldn’t help but feel lost. I sought help through the free counseling services at Dick’s House (Dartmouth’s health service headquarters) and having my perspective validated seemed to ground me. The grief still feels like a maze now, but having my perspective defined more clearly in therapy helped me grasp the greater complexity of my lost friend’s reality and of the world that she left behind.
The responsibility I had as a teaching assistant helped me stay motivated. I owed it to each of the unsuspecting students to be dutiful in my preparation for each of our classes and thoughtful with my feedback on their written assignments. Had I only been working on my independent work, I probably would’ve struggled even more intensely and continued on the downward spiral to a greater depth. Still, one of my main concerns was that the wreckage of my mental state would translate into my teaching and written work. Looking back at my first crack at graduate school now, I’m surprised by how fruitful it turned out. I received positive reviews on my performance as a TA from my students, I earned a high pass in the Forest Biogeochemistry course, and I delivered an 8-page draft for my graduate project proposal (more on this to come). So, with respect to the Fall 2019 term, all is well that ends well.
Two valuable ideas that I will carry with me as I forge ahead:
Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life (Anne Roiphe, American writer).
The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be (Marcel Pagnol, French novelist).
I have a lot of hope for the next term because I will not have as many responsibilities placed squarely on my shoulders. I’ll have my mentor, CHP, back for regular guidance and creative encouragement and we are hiring a new lab tech to take on some of the residual tasks that I took care of after I transitioned from employee to student. I aim to build and code for a working sensor network prototype to automate the monitoring of soil moisture, temperature, redox potential, and gaseous carbon flux at my field sites. 2020 has a lot in store for me. Thank you for reading and stay tuned.
- Geni G.